Grit and Failure

My 10th grader is currently learning to drive. Yesterday, he drove me from North Raleigh to RTP. He made all of the classic mistakes; approached turns with too much speed, rode the shoulder on the highway, and didn’t brake early enough when coming to a red light. I think I’m amazingly calm during this process, but truthfully, I’m a mess when he is behind the wheel. He’s the one who is actually calm (maybe too calm given his newness to driving), but I’m going to attribute it to his ability to try and try again.  He’s definitely struggling as he is gaining new skills, but I’m really impressed with his determination. He’s not giving up.

It is tough to watch your kid struggle. I have a really hard time not stepping on the imaginary passenger-side brake pedal. I want to bail him out and tell him he can just take Uber everywhere and that self-driving cars will surely be popular when he is in his twenties.  But I’m secretly really proud of him, too. And, of course, in the back of my mind, I’m thinking about how his ability to learn from his mistakes will help him in the college admissions process.

Admissions officers want to admit students who demonstrate perseverance, and in order to successfully demonstrate that personal characteristic, students need to fail. So, as parents, we need to give them room to fail. And permission to fail. And not get so mad at them when they do fail. That’s not easy. It is in our parental DNA to swoop in and catch them before they make a mistake.

How do admissions offices measure grit and determination? Well, they ask about it.  One of the essay options on the Common Application asks students to describe a time when they faced a challenge, a failure, or a setback. Students don’t have to choose that question to answer, but they should know that it is an option, and that the ability to overcome obstacles is important.  Furthermore, one of the most common interview questions during the admissions process is about making mistakes. If students haven’t struggled, they don’t have a lot to talk about.

So how can you foster a safe space in which it is ok for your student to make mistakes?

Here are some tips:

• Model the behavior. If we, as parents, demonstrate that we make mistakes and that we acknowledge our mistakes and take ownership of them, then we can foster that behavior in our students. Maybe the next time you are eating dinner with your student, you can share a small mistake you made that day. For example, yesterday, I didn’t proofread an email carefully, and my typo caused some confusion. I shared that mistake with my family at dinner and told them how I fixed it and what I learned.

• Set clear expectations. Hopefully, your students are taking courses that challenge them. Be clear that you don’t expect your student to earn perfect grades. Set the bar high, but leave some room for growth. And then, don’t be mad when they don’t earn all As all the time.  

• Ask your students how they failed this week. Gently encourage them to talk about a small mistake, and don’t overreact when they share something with you.

Our students aren’t naturally self-reflective. And I know getting them talk isn’t always easy. Most teens hate to admit when they are wrong. So don’t be surprised if this is hard. I’m sure if you talked to my 10th grader, he would tell you he is Mario Andretti already. But he does have grit. Now we just need to encourage him to slow down before taking that turn.

The Season of Gratitude

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday (of course, Halloween is a close second because candy). But Thanksgiving is special because it is a whole season and not just one day. In fact, I like to celebrate the whole month of November, not by overeating, though that happens for sure, but by embracing gratitude.

There truly is so much to be thankful for.  And because I spend a lot of my time thinking about colleges and universities, I’m grateful for the strength and variety of our higher educational system right now. While it might seem like all colleges are the same, especially after completing a college tour of several schools in a row during which the dining halls all start to look and smell alike; in fact, there is a lot of diversity among the over 3000 colleges in the United States.

In North Carolina alone, there are over 100 colleges, and those schools reflect the various characteristics that distinguish colleges from each other. For example, North Carolina has one of the country's top schools of the arts (UNC School of the Arts), three all-women’s colleges (Meredith College, Bennett College, and Salem College), and a public university system comprising 16 different institutions.

With so many options, it might seem overwhelming to narrow down the choices to a manageable number. Fortunately, there are strategies for conducting a college search that produces a list of schools that reflect each individual student’s priorities. That process starts with personal reflection, often something high school students are not equipped to do. It is hard enough to elicit a thoughtful response to the question, “How was school today?”, let alone an answer to “What are you looking for in your college experience?”  Therefore, it is important to practice reflective thinking.

Students should ask themselves questions like:

• What do I like about school right now?

• Do I like this class because the teacher gives personal attention or because the content is interesting?

• When I struggle with a class, do I tend to reach out for help from teachers or my friends, or do I look for other sources of help?

• Do I perform best when I am pushed by my peers in a healthy, competitive way, or do I need friendly collaboration and input from others?

• How do I spend my time when I’m not studying?

The answers to questions like these can help direct a college search. Students might discover that they thrive in an intense learning environment where they are surrounded by high-achieving students. Other students might realize that competition hinders their ability to learn. Fortunately, there are colleges to fit every type of student, and finding an educational culture that best supports each student is part of a comprehensive college search.

Conducting a comprehensive college search is more important than ever. Although the process of determining which schools to visit can be difficult, it is now relatively easy to explore campuses beyond a student’s immediate area. Colleges regularly offer in-person tours and informational sessions, and most also offer virtual tours and info sessions. They track student visits — both in-person and virtual — and use that information to determine the student’s degree of interest in the institution. Finding the right list of schools for each student will help to ensure successful outcomes during and after college.

Of course, I’m grateful for much more than an excellent system of higher education, and I promise I’ll take the time to reflect more deeply, but right now I’ll gladly give thanks for the colleges and universities that help our students pursue their dreams.

Extracurricular Activities & College Applications

College admissions officers consider many factors when reviewing applications, including how applicants spend their time. Typically, college applications ask applicants to list their activities in a grid or chart. The Common Application currently provides 10 spaces for students to share information about their extracurricular activities. For some students, that is not enough room, while other students worry that 10 spaces are too many.  

My high school sophomore swims competitively year-round. He spends nearly all of his time in the pool. He’s not involved in many school clubs, he doesn’t do a lot of community service (and when he volunteers, his commitments are usually swimming-related), nor does he have a part-time job (aside from occasionally making money by helping a swim coach in the spring).  

When it comes time for him to apply to college, his activity list will reflect pretty much only one thing: swimming. And that’s actually ok. I’m not worried that he isn’t “well-rounded” because, clearly, he has a passion and is pursuing that passion deeply. He might not fill all 10 spaces on the Common Application, but his list will reflect his priorities.

The college admissions process doesn’t reward well-roundedness the way it used to.  Today, college admissions offices value the depth of activities more than they value overall breadth. This might be good news for students. It isn’t necessary to check off a list of activities just because you think it will look good on your college application. Instead, you should focus on developing your authentic interests and taking the initiative to go deeper into what you really care about. That might mean you have to take risks and push yourself beyond your comfort zone.

But what if you lack a clearly defined interest? How can you develop an activity and take it to the next level? Here are some pro-tips:

1. Push yourself to try something new. Start with a hobby or general interest and get involved with something related to that topic. For example, if you like to play video games with friends, perhaps think about researching game design, or sign up for a class over the summer to learn to code.

2. Reach out to a teacher who knows you well. Ask that teacher to help you identify activities/organizations that might interest you. Here’s a sample question to ask your teacher: “I’m really into creative writing, but I’m not sure how to pursue that interest outside of school. Do you know of any literary clubs or writing groups that might help me continue to develop my work?”

3. Get your friends involved! Participate in a service project as a group, and take charge of organizing everything.

Sometimes, just getting started is the hard part. Don’t be afraid to take the first step and use your resources to help you get going. You can do it!

Tips For Attending A College Fair

When I worked as an Assistant Director of Admissions at UNC Chapel Hill, much of my time in the fall was spent at college fairs behind a table draped with a Carolina blue banner. Even though I’m pretty tiny, I have a loud voice, which came in handy while standing behind that table talking to prospective students and families. The conversations were usually the same; anxious parents standing slightly in front of their student and asking about GPA requirements and test scores.

But sometimes, a student would take the lead and ask a thoughtful question about a particular academic department or extra-curricular opportunity. It was those conversations that I remembered long after the college fair ended. And every so often, I would receive a hand-written note in my campus mailbox from a student who met me at a college fair, thanking me for answering a question or even just for standing on my feet for four hours.

In the late fall and early winter when I was home reading application after application, I would wonder if the student who wrote the amazing essay was the same student who inquired about the study abroad program in Argentina. Because of the volume of applications to read, I didn’t always have time to find out that answer, but when I could picture the face of the student behind the application, it did make a difference. Especially when I was picturing the face of the student and not the face of the parent.

As students and parents make plans to attend college fairs, here are some tips to guide you through.

Tips!

• Prioritize the list of schools

  • Make a list of the schools you definitely want to get to

• Review the lay-out when you arrive at the fair.

  • If you need to, split up. If it doesn’t seem possible to meet with all of the colleges on your list, divide and conquer. Parents - make sure to emphasize your student’s interest in the school.

  • The colleges aren’t always in alphabetical order, so use the resource guide to help you locate your top choices.

• Formulate your questions/introduction.

  • Here are some examples:

    • Hello, my name is Lindsey. I’ve toured your campus and I plan to submit an application to your school. I just wanted to take the time to introduce myself and thank you for being at the college fair. Are there any materials on your table that I should collect or new information I should know about?

    • Hello, my name is Lindsey. I’ve received materials in the mail about your school but have not yet visited. I’m interested in learning more about your study abroad program. Can you share with me some details about programs in Europe?

    • Hello, my name is Lindsey. I’m not that familiar with your school. What majors are particularly strong? Are there unique programs that I should know about?

• Process what you learned and follow-up

  • Take some notes right after the fair to remember detailed information about what you learned.

  • Send an email or thank you note to the representative you talked with to thank them for their time.

Tips for meeting with college representatives at your high school

Throughout the months of September, October, and November, college representatives from institutions across the country will be visiting area high schools to present information to students.  

It can be intimidating to attend your first meeting with the college representatives who visit your high school. One way to get past the anxiety is to attend a meeting with a buddy.  Perhaps identify a meeting that seems interesting and encourage your friend to tag along.

Here are a few more tips:

• Start with a college that you know something about or have at least heard of. The familiarity will put you at ease and you can better focus on the information provided by the representative.

• Introduce yourself as you walk into the meeting. Shake the representative’s hand and say something like, “Hi, I’m Lindsey. I’m a junior. Thanks for visiting my school.”

• Thank the representative as you leave: “Thank you for the information. That was really helpful!”